Social Media gives us the benefit of making our lives perfect to the world. I have shown strength. I show the world how tough I am. Kicking cancers ass. But these last two weeks? Not so much.
I have avoided talking about the stem cell as much as possible. It makes me feel weak. I do NOT want to be strong. The Reality? I’m scared. I’m sad. I’m pissed. I did it once ... Why do I have to do it again?!?!
After talking to a good friend she told me “it's okay to feel that way sometimes.” Everyone says “You are strong!” “everything will go great!” And while I love the positivity, it was great to hear its okay to be scared, sad, mad, and disappointed. I am under this constant pressure to be strong and positive. But all I need is a little time to feel sad or mad about the situation. Of course the goal is for that to be temporary. I can’t stay in that place long but I think allowing myself to feel sorry for myself in this situation is part of the healing process.
Last night, I talked to my transplant coordinator about my fears. She reassured me that my health (other than the obvious), age and compatibly with my donor decrease my chances of not accepting the donor cells.
I also have to admit that my relationship with the almighty God has been anything but great. Part of my being mad was at him for “allowing” this to happen. I am slowly mending that relationship and working on getting that peace and calm back that he gave me initially.
March 1, 2018 is the day I get my life back. Days -6 through -1 are going to be hard. But March first is day 0. D Day.
So keep the prayers and positive vibes headed my way, friends and family! Without all of the love and support, I couldn’t do any of this!!
🤗💚 Hugs and Love!! 💚🤗